Raising a Child with ADHD or PDA: Why Everything Feels Like a Demand (5 Ways to Make Life Easier)
“Letting go of neurotypical expectation is the most kindest thing I did for my son and I”
If you are the mother of a child with ADHD, PDA, or what I like to call “a nervous system powered entirely by fireworks, anxiety, and vibes”, welcome. You are among friends. Possibly hiding in the bathroom. Definitely still recovering from the daily onslaught of the morning school run.
You know the one.
The morning that has somehow evolved into an assault course of dopamine dashes, frantic school-shoe treasure hunts (why are they never where shoes logically live?), and outright refusal that requires the negotiation skills of a highly advanced MI5 executive.
You’ve bartered.
You’ve offered snacks.
You’ve reworded the same request seventeen different ways like you’re defusing a bomb before 8:45am.
All before you’ve had caffeine.
Not just:
“Put your shoes on”
“Do your homework”
“Please stop licking the dog”
But also:
Getting dressed
Leaving the house
Being spoken to
Existing before 9am
And if your child has PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance / Pervasive Drive for Autonomy), even suggesting something can feel like poking a bear with a glittery stick.
This is not because you are doing it wrong.
It’s because this is a nervous system issue, not a parenting failure.
Let’s unpack it.
Gently, lovingly, and with snacks.
Why Demands Feel So Hard for Kids with ADHD and PDA
Here’s the bit no one tells you when they hand you the parenting books and say “have you tried a sticker chart?”
Children with ADHD and PDA live in a constant state of nervous system alert. Their brains are scanning for:
Pressure
Loss of control
Expectations
Transitions
Anything that smells remotely like “you must”
To their nervous system, a demand isn’t just a request.
It’s a threat.
Not a dramatic, Netflix-style threat.
More like: “If I don’t comply, something bad might happen and I don’t know what and now I must flee.”
So when your child melts down over brushing their teeth, they’re not being difficult.
They’re being overwhelmed.
And when you’re exhausted, touched-out, and questioning all your life choices, you’re not failing either.
You’re parenting on hard mode.
The Secret Weapon: Reducing Demands (Without Giving Up All Authority and Living Off Grid)
Reducing demands doesn’t mean letting your child run feral while you cry into a cup of tea.
It means working with the nervous system instead of against it.
Here are 5 realistic, sanity-saving hacks that actually help.
1. Turn Demands into Choices (Even Fake Ones: We Don’t Judge Here)
Instead of:
“Put your shoes on now.”
Try:
“Do you want to put your shoes on in the hallway or the kitchen?”
The task stays the same.
The autonomy increases.
The nervous system relaxes slightly.
Everyone survives.
Choice equals control. Control equals safety.
2. Lower the Background Noise of Demands
Your child is already drowning in invisible expectations:
Sit still
Listen
Behave
Hurry up
Calm down
So reduce the extra stuff.
Ask yourself:
“Does this really matter today?”
Pyjamas to school?
Toast crumbs in the bed?
Socks that don’t match?
Congratulations! You’ve just reduced the demand load and possibly saved everyone’s afternoon.
3. Use Connection Before Correction (Yes, Even When You’re Over It)
When your child is dysregulated, logic will not work.
Charts will not work.
Your calm voice may not work (rude, but true).
What does help is connection:
Sitting beside them
Matching their tone
Saying: “This feels really hard, doesn’t it?”
You’re not giving in.
You’re co-regulating.
And once the nervous system settles, cooperation often follows like magic, but with more mess.
4. Change the Language (Because Words Matter More Than We Think)
Some phrases feel like demands even when whispered lovingly.
Try swapping:
“You have to…” → “I wonder if…”
“It’s time to…” → “Shall we…”
“Why can’t you just…” → (delete forever)
Gentler language reduces pressure and pressure is the enemy here.
5. Reduce Demands on Yourself (Yes, You’re Included)
This one’s important, so read it twice.
You do not need to:
Be calm all the time
Get it right every day
Fix everything immediately
Your nervous system matters too.
A regulated parent is more powerful than any strategy on Instagram.
Rest when you can. Lower your standards. Eat the chocolate.
This is a long game.
Just breathe.
In for 4. Out for 6. Repeat until your shoulders drop.
Your child doesn’t need a stricter approach: they need safety, autonomy, and connection in a world that overloads their nervous system daily.
Regulation first. Everything else follows.
A Loving Reality Check
If you are raising a child with ADHD or PDA, you are doing something incredibly hard in a world that still misunderstands neurodivergence.
Your child is not broken.
You are not failing.
Reducing demands is not “giving up” it’s being informed, compassionate, and strategic.
Some days will still be chaos.
Some days you’ll cry in the car.
Some days will be unexpectedly gentle.
All of it counts.
Come Back Next Week for More Midlife Madness
Next week on Midlife Madness, I’ll be sharing Part 4: Advocacy and Agency for the Invisible, including the update we’ve finally had to a complaint I never wanted to write, but felt I had little to no other option. Especially after the response to removing breaktime as a consequence for ADHD and PDA (yes, really).
If you’ve ever had to choose between keeping the peace and standing your ground this one’s for you.
If This Helped You…
If this post made you feel less alone, more understood, or quietly validated at 2am you can support Midlife Madness by clicking the “Buy Me a Coffee” button below.
Your donation helps keep this space:
Honest
Neuro-affirming
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And written by someone who actually lives this life
No pressure. No guilt. Just gratitude. ☕💛
Love,
Diane x
PS: Still winging it. Still figuring it out. Still adjusting my self-care routine to include wildly ambitious goals like brushing my teeth uninterrupted. Without being yelled at, urgently summoned, or informed that it is deeply offensive of me to need a wee at the exact moment I am required for second breakfast.
Apparently, the Weetabix have now crossed the invisible line from acceptable to emotionally devastatingly soggy, and must be replaced immediately. By me. While I am mid-pee.
Because how dare I have basic human needs when a small person’s autonomy, dignity, and cereal texture are at stake.
PDA parenting. Truly humbling.