The Invisible Mum Syndrome: And How to Be Seen Again Without Yelling.
Understanding Invisible Mum Syndrome: The Silent Struggle in Midlife
Invisible Mum Syndrome is a common yet often unspoken challenge many women face during midlife. It refers to the feeling of being overlooked and undervalued, both within the family and society, despite the continuous hard work and emotional labour mums provide. This syndrome can lead to feelings of isolation, frustration, and diminished self-worth.
In many households, midlife mothers often juggle multiple roles—caretaker, career woman, partner—without receiving adequate recognition. The emotional labour, such as managing children's schedules, household tasks, and supporting their families, frequently goes unnoticed. This invisibility contributes to mental exhaustion and can affect personal growth and wellbeing.
Raising awareness about Invisible Mum Syndrome is crucial for promoting empathy and support. Strategies such as open communication within families
They Don’t See the Mental Load But Notice When There Is No ‘Good’ Snacks.
“When the mental load is invisible and so are you; the silent weight of motherhood no one sees”
“Can Everyone Stop Yelling ‘Muuuum'!’ When Dad’s Right There?”
The other night, I was elbows deep in an online food shop, frantically trying to coordinate three totally different dinners for seven days because apparently, we’re a family of fussy celebrities with conflicting dietary requirements. Just as I was cross-referencing the fridge, the snacks and my will to live, I heard it: “Muuummmmy!” I froze. Why? Because Dad was literally doing bathtime, right that second…in the actual room, with my son, handling actual bubbles. But still my name shot through the bathroom steam like a flare, ringing out like a batman signal. I was being summoned. Because somehow, even, when I’m not on shift, I’m on call. It’s like being a invisible fairy…but without the magical wand. Instead, you have educational duties, meal plans, and a direct calendar invite to everyone’s emotional needs. Welcome to Invisible Mum Syndrome. Where you’re the CEO of the household, but no one seems to notice you’re in the room…unless they’re out of socks.
Invisible? No. I’m just camouflaged in abandoned cart, chaos, and everyone’s expectations.
The silent surrender of your sense of self in a motherhood journey that keeps asking for more.
The sneaky identity crisis where you go from being a functioning human to that person who serves everyone’s needs, around the clock with no performance related pay, bonuses or breaks. You know, the one holding fifteen mental tabs open while everyone is blissfully unaware that the Sock Fairy (spoiler: it’s you) is silently restocking drawers like an underpaid wizard with a laundry wand.
If you’ve ever asked, “Am I the only one in this house who ever throws out expired food?” Or “I guess that’s left for me to do then?” out loud to no one in particular, welcome. You might be suffering from Invisible Mum Syndrome. The symptoms? Being asked what's for dinner while you're literally cooking it, people walking past a full laundry basket, like it's part of the décor, and no one noticing you've been running on three hours’ sleep, half a pack of chocolate hobnobs and dry shampoo fumes. But guess what? We’re not going out like this.
How to Be Seen, Heard, and (Dare I Say) Respected...not just expected!
1. Run Your Month Like a Manager, Not a Martyr
At the end of each month, schedule a 30-minute Mum Board Meeting (just you and your favourite beverage). Ask: What worked? What flopped? What drove me to hide in the loo just to breathe? Then create a simple Plan-Do-Reflect-Review for the next month. What can be dropped? What can be delegated? What needs a megaphone? It’s not selfish, its investing time with intention. You’re not just surviving motherhood. You’re running a whole operation. Time to act like you are in charge, because, well, you are.
2. Hold “Team Meetings” (aka Passive-Aggressive Snacks and Chats)
Once a week, gather the troops, kids, partner, confused pets and have a casual sit-down. Bring snacks. Then gently (or not) let everyone know that you’re not just the cleaner, chef, and search engine for lost items. Ask what they need from the week ahead, and more importantly, share what you need. Like 25 minutes of silence, or a nap that doesn’t involve someone climbing on you.
3. Rebrand the Family WhatsApp Group
It’s time. Rename it: The Mother Has Spoken. Then. Brace. Yourself. Start actually using it. Post reminders. Drop photos of the empty toilet roll holder like it’s a crime scene. List the weekly meal plan like you’re the CEO of Domestic Ops (because you are). If you're gonna be the manager, let’s at least pretend you’ve got a team. Use this as a resource to foster shared responsibilities around the house.
4. Schedule a Solo Hour Like a CEO Schedules Meetings
Put it in your calendar. Block it. Guard it. Whether it’s walking around the block with a podcast or just sitting in the car eating biscuits in blessed silence, this is your protected time. You don’t need to earn it. You dont need a signed permission slip for it. You need it to function like a decent human and avoid launching a slipper in rage.
5. Make Yourself Unmissable, Literally Leave the House
If they can’t see your worth while you’re there, disappear for a bit (on purpose). Go for a coffee, sit in the car with a pastry, or take a walk without announcing your every move. Let the snack cupboard run low. Let Dad handle bedtime without the script. Sometimes the most powerful way to be seen is to create just enough absence to be noticed. Not in a passive-aggressive way, just in a “remember I’m a whole person” kind of way.
Real Talk: It’s Not You. It’s the Patriarchy (and the Dishwasher)
If you’re exhausted, irritable, overstimulated, it’s not because you’re doing motherhood wrong. It’s because this whole gig is rigged to glorify the self-sacrificing mum. You are not selfish for wanting recognition. You are not demanding for needing rest. You are not a failure for fantasizing about a weekend alone in a Premier Inn with nothing but your own crumbs in the bed. You’re human. And being a mum doesn’t mean erasing yourself to keep everyone else comfortable.
If you are enjoying the freebies in this series made with love by Midlife Madness, resonated with the messy joy, and survival tips delivered weekly. Plus, if this post made you snort laugh or cry (or both at once), you can Buy Me a Coffee so I can keep writing instead of rage mopping the floor.
Final thoughts:
You’re allowed to invest time into intentional planning, delegating chores and tasks not just to yourself. You’re allowed busy days, slow days and hormonal days. You’re allowed to reclaim a solo hour for you as a person, aside from being a wardrobe coordinator, meal prep manager, and social calander coordinator. You’re allowed to delegate tasks, encourage accountability, and gather the tribe to work as a team. Remember lots of littles make a lot. So, start this month! It’s not about being selfish. It’s about working together. It’s about fostering responsibility for everyone with softness. Feel like you don’t know where to start? Fancy a giggle in your inbox? Grab Your Freebie: The “I Am Not the Dishwasher” Printable Reminder. Stick it on the fridge, the bathroom mirror, your own forehead if you must. A sassy printable reminder that you are more than the default setting for everyone’s mess.
Love,
Diane x
PS: Still figuring it out, still winging it, still slightly traumatised from that one time my son decided to be spiderman and climb the railway bridge. But hey, we’re doing our best! And that’s enough for me.
Real Talk: Inspire me in the comments below, ‘What are your top tips for planning the month ahead ?’
When Motherhood Feels Like a Job, You Didn't Apply For
Motherhood isn’t always the warm fuzzy, Instagram-perfect journey we expect. Sometimes, it feels like a never-ending job, with overtime, no pay, and no sick days. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, exhausted, or just plain stuck, you’re not alone. This post dives into the real, messy side of parenting no one talks about.
“The emotional weight and vulnerability of motherhood, isn’t something that anyone prepares you for”
Somewhere between the night feeds, the meltdowns, and the terrifying hypervigilance associated with flight risk children...…I realised something:
I didn’t apply for this version of motherhood.
I love my kids deeply, wildly, in that primal lioness “back away from my child” kind of way. But some days? I feel like a ghost in my own life. And before anyone says, “Oh but you’re so lucky to stay at home…” Please. Try being the snack-fetcher, emotional regulator, unpaid event manager, human Alexa, and the person who knows where literally everything is, all day, every day. And tell me that’s restful.
The Mental Load is Not Just in Your Head
Motherhood didn’t come with a job description. But if it did, it would include:
24/7 availability (especially at 11.20pm, 1.25am, 3:17am)
Zero paid leave even when you have the norovirus
Emotional labour so heavy it deserves its own Pilates studio
Unspoken guilt if you ever admit... “I’m not happy.”
And the kicker? No one claps for you. Not when you catch the vomit mid-air. Not when you cook three different meals at one dinner time, wash everyone’s underwear, and defuse four meltdowns before 8am.
“I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore” And That’s the Part That Hurts
What no one tells you is this: You can adore your child and still grieve the woman you were before. You can want the best for your family and still feel utterly drained by being everything for everyone. You can even find yourself fantasising about checking into a hotel alone for the weekend, just to drink a hot coffee in silence without someone shouting “MUM!” from the toilet.
(If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.)
Some days, she lets the weight settle: the emotional overwhelm, the sacrifice, the self-she’s trying to remember!
You’re Not Failing: You’re Just Running Without Refuelling
Let me say this clearly: You are not broken. You are burnt out from running a household, a schedule, and the emotional wellbeing of tiny, beautiful humans, often without acknowledgment or relief. You’ve forgotten yourself because the world convinced you that your needs can wait.
But guess what? You get to want more. You get to miss yourself. You get to need a damn break! And an uninterrupted shower? That doesn’t count because it is a basic need, not self-care. It took me thirty-seven years, an undignified meltdown in my headteacher’s office, and a round of CBT therapy to finally learn that little nugget of wisdom. Listen, take it from me, honestly, lots of littles make a lot. Start today. Or tomorrow. Or sometime this week. But start, okay? You don’t need to wait for permission to begin rediscovering you.
Real Talk: 3 Tiny Ways to Reclaim Yourself This Week
1. Change Your Background Noise
Turn off the kid shows and put on music that makes you feel alive. Dance while folding laundry. Pretend you're on stage at Glastonbury, if that will get you moving. Screw the judgmental stares from the cat.
2. Steal Back 10 Minutes a Day
Set a timer. Lock the bathroom door. Journal. Stretch. Breathe. Scroll Pinterest guilt-free. Don’t overthink it! Just take the moment.
3. Say It Out Loud
“I need help.”
“This is too much.”
“I’m tired of doing everything.”
Your voice matters, even if it’s shaky. Especially then.
Final Thoughts
If no one’s told you lately:
You are not lazy.
You are not a bad mum for needing space, a good cry, a hug and a something for you.
You are not weak for craving more than nappies and grocery lists.
You're exhausted because you care so much and you’ve been running on fumes.
But you're still in there.
And you're allowed to find yourself again, even if you have to sneak out the back door of motherhood and meet her in the car park with snacks and a Spotify playlist. If you would like a free gift to help you start, I’ve made this for you:
Free Download: Mini-Journal for the Woman Who Misses Herself
“5 Prompts to Reconnect With the Woman You Were Before the Motherhood Took Over”
It’s like therapy, minus the awkward eye contact. No fluff. No pressure. Just a gentle nudge back to you.
Love,
Diane x
PS: Still figuring it out, still winging it, still slightly traumatised from giving birth with only gas and air. But hey, we’re doing our best! And that’s enough for me.
If this post resonated with you. If you’ve ever felt like you stumbled into motherhood without a map, and you’d like to support more honest writing like this, you can always buy me a coffee. It’s a small gesture that means a lot, and it helps keep the words (and laptop upgrade) flowing. Thank you for being here.
Real Talk: Tell me in the comments, ‘What’s something you need more of in your Motherhood journey?’