The Invisible Mum Syndrome: And How to Be Seen Again Without Yelling.
They Don’t See the Mental Load But Notice When There Is No ‘Good’ Snacks.
“When the mental load is invisible and so are you; the silent weight of motherhood no one sees”
“Can Everyone Stop Yelling ‘Muuuum'!’ When Dad’s Right There?”
The other night, I was elbows deep in an online food shop, frantically trying to coordinate three totally different dinners for seven days because apparently, we’re a family of fussy celebrities with conflicting dietary requirements. Just as I was cross-referencing the fridge, the snacks and my will to live, I heard it: “Muuummmmy!” I froze. Why? Because Dad was literally doing bathtime, right that second…in the actual room, with my son, handling actual bubbles. But still my name shot through the bathroom steam like a flare, ringing out like a batman signal. I was being summoned. Because somehow, even, when I’m not on shift, I’m on call. It’s like being a invisible fairy…but without the magical wand. Instead, you have educational duties, meal plans, and a direct calendar invite to everyone’s emotional needs. Welcome to Invisible Mum Syndrome. Where you’re the CEO of the household, but no one seems to notice you’re in the room…unless they’re out of socks.
Invisible? No. I’m just camouflaged in abandoned cart, chaos, and everyone’s expectations.
The silent surrender of your sense of self in a motherhood journey that keeps asking for more.
The sneaky identity crisis where you go from being a functioning human to that person who serves everyone’s needs, around the clock with no performance related pay, bonuses or breaks. You know, the one holding fifteen mental tabs open while everyone is blissfully unaware that the Sock Fairy (spoiler: it’s you) is silently restocking drawers like an underpaid wizard with a laundry wand.
If you’ve ever asked, “Am I the only one in this house who ever throws out expired food?” Or “I guess that’s left for me to do then?” out loud to no one in particular, welcome. You might be suffering from Invisible Mum Syndrome. The symptoms? Being asked what's for dinner while you're literally cooking it, people walking past a full laundry basket, like it's part of the décor, and no one noticing you've been running on three hours’ sleep, half a pack of chocolate hobnobs and dry shampoo fumes. But guess what? We’re not going out like this.
How to Be Seen, Heard, and (Dare I Say) Respected...not just expected!
1. Run Your Month Like a Manager, Not a Martyr
At the end of each month, schedule a 30-minute Mum Board Meeting (just you and your favourite beverage). Ask: What worked? What flopped? What drove me to hide in the loo just to breathe? Then create a simple Plan-Do-Reflect-Review for the next month. What can be dropped? What can be delegated? What needs a megaphone? It’s not selfish, its investing time with intention. You’re not just surviving motherhood. You’re running a whole operation. Time to act like you are in charge, because, well, you are.
2. Hold “Team Meetings” (aka Passive-Aggressive Snacks and Chats)
Once a week, gather the troops, kids, partner, confused pets and have a casual sit-down. Bring snacks. Then gently (or not) let everyone know that you’re not just the cleaner, chef, and search engine for lost items. Ask what they need from the week ahead, and more importantly, share what you need. Like 25 minutes of silence, or a nap that doesn’t involve someone climbing on you.
3. Rebrand the Family WhatsApp Group
It’s time. Rename it: The Mother Has Spoken. Then. Brace. Yourself. Start actually using it. Post reminders. Drop photos of the empty toilet roll holder like it’s a crime scene. List the weekly meal plan like you’re the CEO of Domestic Ops (because you are). If you're gonna be the manager, let’s at least pretend you’ve got a team. Use this as a resource to foster shared responsibilities around the house.
4. Schedule a Solo Hour Like a CEO Schedules Meetings
Put it in your calendar. Block it. Guard it. Whether it’s walking around the block with a podcast or just sitting in the car eating biscuits in blessed silence, this is your protected time. You don’t need to earn it. You dont need a signed permission slip for it. You need it to function like a decent human and avoid launching a slipper in rage.
5. Make Yourself Unmissable, Literally Leave the House
If they can’t see your worth while you’re there, disappear for a bit (on purpose). Go for a coffee, sit in the car with a pastry, or take a walk without announcing your every move. Let the snack cupboard run low. Let Dad handle bedtime without the script. Sometimes the most powerful way to be seen is to create just enough absence to be noticed. Not in a passive-aggressive way, just in a “remember I’m a whole person” kind of way.
Real Talk: It’s Not You. It’s the Patriarchy (and the Dishwasher)
If you’re exhausted, irritable, overstimulated, it’s not because you’re doing motherhood wrong. It’s because this whole gig is rigged to glorify the self-sacrificing mum. You are not selfish for wanting recognition. You are not demanding for needing rest. You are not a failure for fantasizing about a weekend alone in a Premier Inn with nothing but your own crumbs in the bed. You’re human. And being a mum doesn’t mean erasing yourself to keep everyone else comfortable.
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Final thoughts:
You’re allowed to invest time into intentional planning, delegating chores and tasks not just to yourself. You’re allowed busy days, slow days and hormonal days. You’re allowed to reclaim a solo hour for you as a person, aside from being a wardrobe coordinator, meal prep manager, and social calander coordinator. You’re allowed to delegate tasks, encourage accountability, and gather the tribe to work as a team. Remember lots of littles make a lot. So, start this month! It’s not about being selfish. It’s about working together. It’s about fostering responsibility for everyone with softness. Feel like you don’t know where to start? Fancy a giggle in your inbox? Grab Your Freebie: The “I Am Not the Dishwasher” Printable Reminder. Stick it on the fridge, the bathroom mirror, your own forehead if you must. A sassy printable reminder that you are more than the default setting for everyone’s mess.
Love,
Diane x
PS: Still figuring it out, still winging it, still slightly traumatised from that one time my son decided to be spiderman and climb the railway bridge. But hey, we’re doing our best! And that’s enough for me.